Gestures

These are the things that make your day good or bad, depending on who gives them to you. Talking to kyle I organized these thoughts in a way that they made complete sense. He said something about even a "Have a good day!" can make your day. I said something along the lines of:
That's what I figure, grand gestures are nice and all, but it shows that they were only thinking of you at that particular point in time. It's the small things that really give a person confidence, make them happy and get them through the day. A day without a "Good Morning!" always seems a lot drearier. It's those small ones that show you really care, because you want them to feel good. A thank you, and a your welcome is always pleasing. Little compliments here and there and confidence boosters are really nice too. But you can't take things for granted.. it makes it really hard on the other person.

This is all I salvaged from mine and Kyle's conversation, cuz facebook is a douche. I think you get the point, though.


~~~~~~

Adrian

i think that's what gets me down alot. with my friends, for example. Even if they don't want to hang with me or dont want to come into town a simple gesture like saying next time or sorry dude is better than being ignored or told to find your own way.

same with sam. she makes me happy, but alot of the time she starts taking things for granted. the way she talks to me depresses me cuz i feel like she doesn't even want to anymore, its just something she does

it's just missing the subtle words that bring you up.
4:08pmKyle

i get the part about the friends all the time. where like, even if its really no big deal if they don't wanna come get you or something like that, just say no, be polite about it. don't fucking ignore you. like that pisses me off more than ever. i hate being ignored. have you talked to her about this stuff?
4:08pmAdrian

yeah. she doesn't get it.

im gonna send her this convo tho.. if thats alright with you
4:10pmKyle

nah man, go ahead.
4:10pmAdrian

fuck

do you still have the whole thing?

mine got wiped.

send it to me if you do
4:11pmAdrian

pm style
4:11pmKyle

yeah mine got wiped out too. all i have is where you first started talking about your friends
4:12pmAdrian

fucking facebook.

fuck it then.
4:12pmKyle

Yeah this woulda been a good thing to send her too.
4:12pmAdrian

we should have been having this convo on msn.
4:13pmKyle

yeaah. i'm at work still, so i wouldn't be able to be on msn.

but at least someone knows where you're coming from.
4:14pmAdrian

which makes me feel better right there.
4:14pmKyle

dude if you ever need anything, like if you wanna get shit off your chest.. you got my number, also i have no life and i'm on facebook a lot.
4:14pmAdrian

lmao

same with you man, no need to be stubborn with me.

now that you know im not gonna be like no ur doin this wrong wtf
4:14pmKyle

nah, i've already told you more shit than i've told anyone.

you're actually trustworthy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

how the hell did I mess it up so fucking quickly? and is it even my fault? i think not. she's acting differently. I don't like it. she doesn't seem happy to talk to me, she doesn't seem the way she did when she was around be before. it's like she's lost feelings for me again for no reason.

i dont like it. and it's frustrating the hell out of me. I don't want to be frustrated by her! why can't it just be like the way it was!!

feels like suicide

A lot has happened the last few days. I haven't toked since Saturday night, I find myself bedazzled by my lady friend and one of my best friends got into a head on collision today! I also got a new phone, which is a large relief. I have a midterm tomorrow that I know nothing about, and didn't have time to study for. Any studying I do now will basically be wasted anyways, I won't be able to retain any of it.

Anyways, the reason I have not toked since Saturday is because I have quit drugs completely. Until I know I can trust myself and that I am in control of my actions, they are out of the question. I promised myself I would never do ecstasy again, and it seemed I did it two days in a row. Not only that, but my cousin caught me while I was at the bar. Now, this isn't any ordinary cousin. This guy always looked out for me, and I've always looked up to him. The look of utter disappointment on his face when he saw me made me want to be sober immediately. When I woke up the next day that was the first thing I thought about, and the only thing I thought about all day. I thought, and thought, and thought... and realized how much I regret my lifestyle. I was so disappointed that I took it upon myself to talk to my dad, and get him to help me out. I gave him my pipe and told him to kick the fuck out of me if finds out I've been using again. So... Here I am, sober as a jaybird and seemingly as quick witted as one too! (a joke, my mind seems to be in other places most times)

My girl is amazing. She's perfectly happy with the way things are, and I'm perfectly happy that she's happy. All I need to do is keep it that way. I don't know if she realizes or not, but is a large part of the reason I'm quitting drugs. In order to keep her happy, I need to stop over-thinking everything. When I over-think things I tend to get moody, and when I get moody... well they tend to swing to the less desirable moods like anger, depression, and so on. I don't like being in those moods, and I most certainly do not want to take it out on anyone else while I'm in those moods, it's bullshit.

Taylor got into a head-on collision with some hunters today. I thought that was pretty fucked, he's got a large concussion and can't even remember the accident. So far as I know he's still suffering short-term memory loss. I'm really worried about the guy, texting him right now and he doesn't seem very good.

I'll cut this off now, I don't like where my thoughts are going.

Well, it seems as though everything has taken a complete three-hundred-sixty degree turn. I am back with Samantha as it seems and life is great in that perspective. She's changed little, but I believe I have come to grips with who she is and the fact she never will change. Everyone else out there is retarded, however, and that's all I will say about that.

On to worse things, the Samsung Instinct must be the worst piece of garbage phone out there. Never buy one. One thing after another will happen to make it worse, and I've been routinely resestting this little nuisance after it freezes. This causes you to lose everything that was saved on your phone. The amount of frustration this phone has caused me is insurmountable.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, I have recently come to realize I have no real friends. Any bonds that have held anyone close to me have ceased to exist, and I realize I am nothing but a nuisance to those who do seldomly hang out. In fact, the only time I have hung out with any of my so called 'friends' is when I have the little lure called Mary Jane.

I'm about sick and tired of people trying to use me, I'm sick of people dropping certain ties with me for no apparent reason, and I'm sick of people making up excuses as to why. If you have a problem with me, take it up with me. Don't say things behind my back and make up shitty reasons as to why you have done what you have done.

I seem to have a habit of making angry rants on here of late, I hope it offends you stupid fucks who read this. I fucking hate you.

I am beyond solid thoughts. I feel like weeping, she is gone. This time truly and I don't think there is any going back. I couldn't have asked for a more pleasant way to end a chapter of my life, especially one that seemed so hectic and stressful at the time. I tried so hard to hold it all together for so long... and not only is the love of my life (current opinion, I suppose) leaving everything behind, every bit of effort spent trying to keep us together seems some how in vain. I feel as though my very being, the core of my existence and everything I am took a metaphorical punch to the head.

Before she left today, she cried on my shoulder for about 15 minutes straight. I couldn't do anything at all to help her. I couldn't even tell her we will be together in the future. I told her I love her, more than anything in the world. That's the truth of it, I told her everything would be alright. And it will.. eventually. When she left today... suffice to say, I didn't want her to go. I wanted to hold her tight..

That song, 'Love Drunk', the lyrics go 'I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover' . These seem to bring into perspective somewhat of how I feel. Only.. I wake up dazed and confused, with a splitting headache.. but I'm still drunk because I drank WAY too much.

Then there's Brooke. That whole situation terrifies me. She reminds me of J so much, only without all the emotional baggage. She's everything good from J, and without any of the bad. I feel horrible about it because I know I'm going to end up hurting her. There's nothing I can do. If I tried to explain to her she would just think I used her. In way she would be right.. I haven't given much back in that way.

Too many hours spent in frustration or utterly depressed. I 'spose it's time to let go.

I have this utter craving to be remembered, whether it be after death or by the people I meet in every day life. I don't know why, but it seems like a personal affront to me when people don't remember me. If people begin to forget what I have done for them or the times we had shared, good and bad I seem to become depressed and feel a need to make them remember.

Do other people have this impulse to make others remember them? Maybe I'm just crazy, but that's something that I cannot stop thinking about lately.

There's also this other little problem. I have this friend, who's ex said she loves him and all that jazz... then turns around and decides to stop talking to him. What is there he could do? He can't make her want to talk to him. It seems an predicament in which he cannot win. Should he try anyways? Or should he continue and go on? A confusing dilemma to which an answer seems very far away.

Another point to make, Grade 12 sucks fucking nuts. I'm a week in and I have absolutely nothing done. Not because I'm lazy, or because I don't want to work. But I have no inspiration. Every time I try to write something or do questions I ask myself, 'Is it worth it?' And the answer is always no. I don't know why, but there is nothing that can motivate me to do my work. Or I draw a blank and have no idea what to write. The latter is what seems to happen to me the most. It's a sad little business.

And in other news, I am officially quitting the plant that is called marijuana. I have neither the time or patience to do it anymore. Though it will be hard... the whole mental addiction to being high will be tricky. Hope I can pull 'er off. If I can't I'm gonna look like a douche if anyone finds out.

I just tried to write a poem and failed utterly. Maybe when I am sober I will update. Till then, I suppose you will have to wait. Hah, I do not envy you. Or feel bad for you, because no one reads this damn thing anyways.