I am beyond solid thoughts. I feel like weeping, she is gone. This time truly and I don't think there is any going back. I couldn't have asked for a more pleasant way to end a chapter of my life, especially one that seemed so hectic and stressful at the time. I tried so hard to hold it all together for so long... and not only is the love of my life (current opinion, I suppose) leaving everything behind, every bit of effort spent trying to keep us together seems some how in vain. I feel as though my very being, the core of my existence and everything I am took a metaphorical punch to the head.

Before she left today, she cried on my shoulder for about 15 minutes straight. I couldn't do anything at all to help her. I couldn't even tell her we will be together in the future. I told her I love her, more than anything in the world. That's the truth of it, I told her everything would be alright. And it will.. eventually. When she left today... suffice to say, I didn't want her to go. I wanted to hold her tight..

That song, 'Love Drunk', the lyrics go 'I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover' . These seem to bring into perspective somewhat of how I feel. Only.. I wake up dazed and confused, with a splitting headache.. but I'm still drunk because I drank WAY too much.

Then there's Brooke. That whole situation terrifies me. She reminds me of J so much, only without all the emotional baggage. She's everything good from J, and without any of the bad. I feel horrible about it because I know I'm going to end up hurting her. There's nothing I can do. If I tried to explain to her she would just think I used her. In way she would be right.. I haven't given much back in that way.

Too many hours spent in frustration or utterly depressed. I 'spose it's time to let go.

I have this utter craving to be remembered, whether it be after death or by the people I meet in every day life. I don't know why, but it seems like a personal affront to me when people don't remember me. If people begin to forget what I have done for them or the times we had shared, good and bad I seem to become depressed and feel a need to make them remember.

Do other people have this impulse to make others remember them? Maybe I'm just crazy, but that's something that I cannot stop thinking about lately.

There's also this other little problem. I have this friend, who's ex said she loves him and all that jazz... then turns around and decides to stop talking to him. What is there he could do? He can't make her want to talk to him. It seems an predicament in which he cannot win. Should he try anyways? Or should he continue and go on? A confusing dilemma to which an answer seems very far away.

Another point to make, Grade 12 sucks fucking nuts. I'm a week in and I have absolutely nothing done. Not because I'm lazy, or because I don't want to work. But I have no inspiration. Every time I try to write something or do questions I ask myself, 'Is it worth it?' And the answer is always no. I don't know why, but there is nothing that can motivate me to do my work. Or I draw a blank and have no idea what to write. The latter is what seems to happen to me the most. It's a sad little business.

And in other news, I am officially quitting the plant that is called marijuana. I have neither the time or patience to do it anymore. Though it will be hard... the whole mental addiction to being high will be tricky. Hope I can pull 'er off. If I can't I'm gonna look like a douche if anyone finds out.

I just tried to write a poem and failed utterly. Maybe when I am sober I will update. Till then, I suppose you will have to wait. Hah, I do not envy you. Or feel bad for you, because no one reads this damn thing anyways.

Hegemony

A religion, my only goddess.
The one I care about truly,
the one who rules my life,
she is unforgiven.

She is my guide, through the turmoil,
the one who walks the path
through the dark passages,
she is the light.

A devil, my only weakness.
the one on my shoulder,
the one who whisper's lies,
she is ungreatful.

She is my distraction, my misguider.
the one who allures me
that strays me from righteousness,
she is corrupting.

A jester, my only joy.
The one who toys with me,
the one who manipulates.
She is laughter.

She is addictive.

Best game on earth.

The Cockiest, Dirtiest, Most Irresponsible Group Of Athletes In The World.
Will Do Anything Just To Be Able To Tell His Teammates A Great Story In The Dressing Room.

Live The Dream Until They Are 35 Then Realize They Never Made It. Ladies Love Us, Guys
Want To Be Us, We Are The Soul Of The Universe. You Lace Up The Skates, Put On The
Gloves, Strap On The Helmet, And Walk On To The Ice And Nothing Else Matters.
It Doesn't Matter That You Failed A Test, Your Girl Is Being A Bitch,
Or That You Got A Ticket On The Way There... You're World Is
Absolutely Perfect For The Next Couple Hours.

Here's To Faceoffs, Goals, Assists, Overtime, GWG's, Living On The Road, Cold Rinks,
Early Mornings, Break Aways, Going Top Cheese, Countless Hours Of
Practice, Bag Skates, Puking, Thousands Of Dollars, Dangling D-Men, End To End Rushes,
Big Hits, Broken Twigs, New Kicks, Packing Bombs, Dropping The Mits, Hockey Hair,
Wheelin' Broads, Rookie Parties, Coaches Adding The Letter "Y" To The End Of Everyone's Last Name,

The Word "Fuck", Pick Up, Under Aged Drinking, Tape To Tape Sauce, Let Downs,
Miracles And Most Of All - The Game Of Hockey. Why?
Why Do We Skate Back And Forth Night After Night? Skating So Hard We Throw Up.
Skating So Hard Your Heart Beat Rings In Your Head, While Your Lungs Are Grasping For Air.

Late Nights, Early Mornings, Friday Nights, Saturday Evenings, Broken Bones,
Torn Muscles And Deep Bruises. We Skate Through It All. Because We Live Off Our
Adrenaline, Because The Game Frees Your Spirit, Because The Party In The Locker Room Is
Second To None, Because You're Invincible Once You Step On The Ice,
Because One Shot Can Make You Smile All Night. Sniping The Twine, Backy Shelf, Bar And In,
The Rattling Of The Boards, The Feel Of The Puck, And Skates Carving Into The Ice Is A Rhythm To Live
By, Because It's Possible To Skate Fast Enough To Leave All Your Worries Behind.
Sweat Is The Cologne Of Our Accomplishment. Why? Why Would Someone Push Themselves
So Hard The Uneducated Pussies Always Ask?

House League, A, AA, AAA, Jr. B, Jr. A, CHL, US College, Pro....
It's Never Been For The Fucking Money. It's Not For The Girls, And It's Not For The Fame.
"The Boys" Play Because We Fucking Love It!!



This describes my attitude towards hockey perfectly. love it.

Hey diddle diddle,
the cat and the fiddle
the cow jumped over the moon!

the little dog laughed
to see such a sport,
and the dish ran away with the spoon!

he ran from conviction,
and fed his addiction,
as the dish heated the spoon.

the soon begged to go,
but the dish shouted 'NO!!'

'The heroine will be ready soon'

Wasteland

I'm alone in this wasteland a thousand miles from you, but haven't forgotten the feel of your skin, your mischievous smile.. You'd think a thousand miles would be enough. I guess I'll keep walking..

Love

I've never loved anyone as much as I do samantha. It's not something I really expected. I didn't expect us to last this long at all. But.. as fate had it I fell in love. I fell head over heels in love. I don't ever stop thinking about her. I'm never happier than when I see her or talk to her. Never. I wish I could see her now.

they say ignorance is bliss, but I think they are lying. Knowing is much better than not. She said she doesn't love me anymore, when she thinks about it. I don't know what that means. She couldn't explain it. I felt my guts wrench, and I almost puked. It was so hard listening to her. It almost sounded like it didn't even matter... like it was casual.

I don't know what I would do without her. I can't sleep.. I'm not even remotely tired now. I can't stop thinking that being with her is still my best option. Even if she doesn't love me. I can deal with that. She says everything is perfect and amazing when she see's me... is that enough to stay in a relationship with someone for?

She is my world. If she leaves me I don't know what I would do. I'll never be the same. I couldn't be. She's the one for me, and I think losing her might push me over the edge. I'd give her the world. I'd sacrifice the world for her. I would do anything to be with her... I still think she is the most amazing person. Does she think the same about me? Can she?

The only reason I'm writing this is to collect my thoughts... I'm so lost. She said she will talk to me tomorrow. I want to.. so bad. I wonder if it will be awkward. I wonder if the conversation will continue. I won't have anything to do... all day.

Am I going to have my heart broken tomorrow? What about the next day? I just can't help but think about the giant hole I will have to fill if she leaves... does she even realize what she is doing to me? I know she cares. It's in her nature. She doesn't know how to show it...

I think she still loves me. I hope she does. I've gone through phases like that. If I think about it.. I don't really love anyone. But then I remember what love is, it's just a state of mind. A personal opinion towards someone. That opinion can change, I suppose. It can't get much better... but it can stay far from horrible as well.

We'll see how this all plays out. Maybe there will still be something there even if it all goes south... I really hope it doesn't. In fact, if it doesn't I will probably be the happiest man alive. Like I said.. I don't know what I would do without her. Especially not now.. now after losing everyone close to me. I just don't know if I would be able to deal with it... I don't know if I could actually find the willpower to go on.