I've never loved anyone as much as I do samantha. It's not something I really expected. I didn't expect us to last this long at all. But.. as fate had it I fell in love. I fell head over heels in love. I don't ever stop thinking about her. I'm never happier than when I see her or talk to her. Never. I wish I could see her now.
they say ignorance is bliss, but I think they are lying. Knowing is much better than not. She said she doesn't love me anymore, when she thinks about it. I don't know what that means. She couldn't explain it. I felt my guts wrench, and I almost puked. It was so hard listening to her. It almost sounded like it didn't even matter... like it was casual.
I don't know what I would do without her. I can't sleep.. I'm not even remotely tired now. I can't stop thinking that being with her is still my best option. Even if she doesn't love me. I can deal with that. She says everything is perfect and amazing when she see's me... is that enough to stay in a relationship with someone for?
She is my world. If she leaves me I don't know what I would do. I'll never be the same. I couldn't be. She's the one for me, and I think losing her might push me over the edge. I'd give her the world. I'd sacrifice the world for her. I would do anything to be with her... I still think she is the most amazing person. Does she think the same about me? Can she?
The only reason I'm writing this is to collect my thoughts... I'm so lost. She said she will talk to me tomorrow. I want to.. so bad. I wonder if it will be awkward. I wonder if the conversation will continue. I won't have anything to do... all day.
Am I going to have my heart broken tomorrow? What about the next day? I just can't help but think about the giant hole I will have to fill if she leaves... does she even realize what she is doing to me? I know she cares. It's in her nature. She doesn't know how to show it...
I think she still loves me. I hope she does. I've gone through phases like that. If I think about it.. I don't really love anyone. But then I remember what love is, it's just a state of mind. A personal opinion towards someone. That opinion can change, I suppose. It can't get much better... but it can stay far from horrible as well.
We'll see how this all plays out. Maybe there will still be something there even if it all goes south... I really hope it doesn't. In fact, if it doesn't I will probably be the happiest man alive. Like I said.. I don't know what I would do without her. Especially not now.. now after losing everyone close to me. I just don't know if I would be able to deal with it... I don't know if I could actually find the willpower to go on.
