Gestures

These are the things that make your day good or bad, depending on who gives them to you. Talking to kyle I organized these thoughts in a way that they made complete sense. He said something about even a "Have a good day!" can make your day. I said something along the lines of:
That's what I figure, grand gestures are nice and all, but it shows that they were only thinking of you at that particular point in time. It's the small things that really give a person confidence, make them happy and get them through the day. A day without a "Good Morning!" always seems a lot drearier. It's those small ones that show you really care, because you want them to feel good. A thank you, and a your welcome is always pleasing. Little compliments here and there and confidence boosters are really nice too. But you can't take things for granted.. it makes it really hard on the other person.

This is all I salvaged from mine and Kyle's conversation, cuz facebook is a douche. I think you get the point, though.


~~~~~~

Adrian

i think that's what gets me down alot. with my friends, for example. Even if they don't want to hang with me or dont want to come into town a simple gesture like saying next time or sorry dude is better than being ignored or told to find your own way.

same with sam. she makes me happy, but alot of the time she starts taking things for granted. the way she talks to me depresses me cuz i feel like she doesn't even want to anymore, its just something she does

it's just missing the subtle words that bring you up.
4:08pmKyle

i get the part about the friends all the time. where like, even if its really no big deal if they don't wanna come get you or something like that, just say no, be polite about it. don't fucking ignore you. like that pisses me off more than ever. i hate being ignored. have you talked to her about this stuff?
4:08pmAdrian

yeah. she doesn't get it.

im gonna send her this convo tho.. if thats alright with you
4:10pmKyle

nah man, go ahead.
4:10pmAdrian

fuck

do you still have the whole thing?

mine got wiped.

send it to me if you do
4:11pmAdrian

pm style
4:11pmKyle

yeah mine got wiped out too. all i have is where you first started talking about your friends
4:12pmAdrian

fucking facebook.

fuck it then.
4:12pmKyle

Yeah this woulda been a good thing to send her too.
4:12pmAdrian

we should have been having this convo on msn.
4:13pmKyle

yeaah. i'm at work still, so i wouldn't be able to be on msn.

but at least someone knows where you're coming from.
4:14pmAdrian

which makes me feel better right there.
4:14pmKyle

dude if you ever need anything, like if you wanna get shit off your chest.. you got my number, also i have no life and i'm on facebook a lot.
4:14pmAdrian

lmao

same with you man, no need to be stubborn with me.

now that you know im not gonna be like no ur doin this wrong wtf
4:14pmKyle

nah, i've already told you more shit than i've told anyone.

you're actually trustworthy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

how the hell did I mess it up so fucking quickly? and is it even my fault? i think not. she's acting differently. I don't like it. she doesn't seem happy to talk to me, she doesn't seem the way she did when she was around be before. it's like she's lost feelings for me again for no reason.

i dont like it. and it's frustrating the hell out of me. I don't want to be frustrated by her! why can't it just be like the way it was!!

feels like suicide

A lot has happened the last few days. I haven't toked since Saturday night, I find myself bedazzled by my lady friend and one of my best friends got into a head on collision today! I also got a new phone, which is a large relief. I have a midterm tomorrow that I know nothing about, and didn't have time to study for. Any studying I do now will basically be wasted anyways, I won't be able to retain any of it.

Anyways, the reason I have not toked since Saturday is because I have quit drugs completely. Until I know I can trust myself and that I am in control of my actions, they are out of the question. I promised myself I would never do ecstasy again, and it seemed I did it two days in a row. Not only that, but my cousin caught me while I was at the bar. Now, this isn't any ordinary cousin. This guy always looked out for me, and I've always looked up to him. The look of utter disappointment on his face when he saw me made me want to be sober immediately. When I woke up the next day that was the first thing I thought about, and the only thing I thought about all day. I thought, and thought, and thought... and realized how much I regret my lifestyle. I was so disappointed that I took it upon myself to talk to my dad, and get him to help me out. I gave him my pipe and told him to kick the fuck out of me if finds out I've been using again. So... Here I am, sober as a jaybird and seemingly as quick witted as one too! (a joke, my mind seems to be in other places most times)

My girl is amazing. She's perfectly happy with the way things are, and I'm perfectly happy that she's happy. All I need to do is keep it that way. I don't know if she realizes or not, but is a large part of the reason I'm quitting drugs. In order to keep her happy, I need to stop over-thinking everything. When I over-think things I tend to get moody, and when I get moody... well they tend to swing to the less desirable moods like anger, depression, and so on. I don't like being in those moods, and I most certainly do not want to take it out on anyone else while I'm in those moods, it's bullshit.

Taylor got into a head-on collision with some hunters today. I thought that was pretty fucked, he's got a large concussion and can't even remember the accident. So far as I know he's still suffering short-term memory loss. I'm really worried about the guy, texting him right now and he doesn't seem very good.

I'll cut this off now, I don't like where my thoughts are going.

Well, it seems as though everything has taken a complete three-hundred-sixty degree turn. I am back with Samantha as it seems and life is great in that perspective. She's changed little, but I believe I have come to grips with who she is and the fact she never will change. Everyone else out there is retarded, however, and that's all I will say about that.

On to worse things, the Samsung Instinct must be the worst piece of garbage phone out there. Never buy one. One thing after another will happen to make it worse, and I've been routinely resestting this little nuisance after it freezes. This causes you to lose everything that was saved on your phone. The amount of frustration this phone has caused me is insurmountable.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, I have recently come to realize I have no real friends. Any bonds that have held anyone close to me have ceased to exist, and I realize I am nothing but a nuisance to those who do seldomly hang out. In fact, the only time I have hung out with any of my so called 'friends' is when I have the little lure called Mary Jane.

I'm about sick and tired of people trying to use me, I'm sick of people dropping certain ties with me for no apparent reason, and I'm sick of people making up excuses as to why. If you have a problem with me, take it up with me. Don't say things behind my back and make up shitty reasons as to why you have done what you have done.

I seem to have a habit of making angry rants on here of late, I hope it offends you stupid fucks who read this. I fucking hate you.

I am beyond solid thoughts. I feel like weeping, she is gone. This time truly and I don't think there is any going back. I couldn't have asked for a more pleasant way to end a chapter of my life, especially one that seemed so hectic and stressful at the time. I tried so hard to hold it all together for so long... and not only is the love of my life (current opinion, I suppose) leaving everything behind, every bit of effort spent trying to keep us together seems some how in vain. I feel as though my very being, the core of my existence and everything I am took a metaphorical punch to the head.

Before she left today, she cried on my shoulder for about 15 minutes straight. I couldn't do anything at all to help her. I couldn't even tell her we will be together in the future. I told her I love her, more than anything in the world. That's the truth of it, I told her everything would be alright. And it will.. eventually. When she left today... suffice to say, I didn't want her to go. I wanted to hold her tight..

That song, 'Love Drunk', the lyrics go 'I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover' . These seem to bring into perspective somewhat of how I feel. Only.. I wake up dazed and confused, with a splitting headache.. but I'm still drunk because I drank WAY too much.

Then there's Brooke. That whole situation terrifies me. She reminds me of J so much, only without all the emotional baggage. She's everything good from J, and without any of the bad. I feel horrible about it because I know I'm going to end up hurting her. There's nothing I can do. If I tried to explain to her she would just think I used her. In way she would be right.. I haven't given much back in that way.

Too many hours spent in frustration or utterly depressed. I 'spose it's time to let go.

I have this utter craving to be remembered, whether it be after death or by the people I meet in every day life. I don't know why, but it seems like a personal affront to me when people don't remember me. If people begin to forget what I have done for them or the times we had shared, good and bad I seem to become depressed and feel a need to make them remember.

Do other people have this impulse to make others remember them? Maybe I'm just crazy, but that's something that I cannot stop thinking about lately.

There's also this other little problem. I have this friend, who's ex said she loves him and all that jazz... then turns around and decides to stop talking to him. What is there he could do? He can't make her want to talk to him. It seems an predicament in which he cannot win. Should he try anyways? Or should he continue and go on? A confusing dilemma to which an answer seems very far away.

Another point to make, Grade 12 sucks fucking nuts. I'm a week in and I have absolutely nothing done. Not because I'm lazy, or because I don't want to work. But I have no inspiration. Every time I try to write something or do questions I ask myself, 'Is it worth it?' And the answer is always no. I don't know why, but there is nothing that can motivate me to do my work. Or I draw a blank and have no idea what to write. The latter is what seems to happen to me the most. It's a sad little business.

And in other news, I am officially quitting the plant that is called marijuana. I have neither the time or patience to do it anymore. Though it will be hard... the whole mental addiction to being high will be tricky. Hope I can pull 'er off. If I can't I'm gonna look like a douche if anyone finds out.

I just tried to write a poem and failed utterly. Maybe when I am sober I will update. Till then, I suppose you will have to wait. Hah, I do not envy you. Or feel bad for you, because no one reads this damn thing anyways.

Hegemony

A religion, my only goddess.
The one I care about truly,
the one who rules my life,
she is unforgiven.

She is my guide, through the turmoil,
the one who walks the path
through the dark passages,
she is the light.

A devil, my only weakness.
the one on my shoulder,
the one who whisper's lies,
she is ungreatful.

She is my distraction, my misguider.
the one who allures me
that strays me from righteousness,
she is corrupting.

A jester, my only joy.
The one who toys with me,
the one who manipulates.
She is laughter.

She is addictive.

Best game on earth.

The Cockiest, Dirtiest, Most Irresponsible Group Of Athletes In The World.
Will Do Anything Just To Be Able To Tell His Teammates A Great Story In The Dressing Room.

Live The Dream Until They Are 35 Then Realize They Never Made It. Ladies Love Us, Guys
Want To Be Us, We Are The Soul Of The Universe. You Lace Up The Skates, Put On The
Gloves, Strap On The Helmet, And Walk On To The Ice And Nothing Else Matters.
It Doesn't Matter That You Failed A Test, Your Girl Is Being A Bitch,
Or That You Got A Ticket On The Way There... You're World Is
Absolutely Perfect For The Next Couple Hours.

Here's To Faceoffs, Goals, Assists, Overtime, GWG's, Living On The Road, Cold Rinks,
Early Mornings, Break Aways, Going Top Cheese, Countless Hours Of
Practice, Bag Skates, Puking, Thousands Of Dollars, Dangling D-Men, End To End Rushes,
Big Hits, Broken Twigs, New Kicks, Packing Bombs, Dropping The Mits, Hockey Hair,
Wheelin' Broads, Rookie Parties, Coaches Adding The Letter "Y" To The End Of Everyone's Last Name,

The Word "Fuck", Pick Up, Under Aged Drinking, Tape To Tape Sauce, Let Downs,
Miracles And Most Of All - The Game Of Hockey. Why?
Why Do We Skate Back And Forth Night After Night? Skating So Hard We Throw Up.
Skating So Hard Your Heart Beat Rings In Your Head, While Your Lungs Are Grasping For Air.

Late Nights, Early Mornings, Friday Nights, Saturday Evenings, Broken Bones,
Torn Muscles And Deep Bruises. We Skate Through It All. Because We Live Off Our
Adrenaline, Because The Game Frees Your Spirit, Because The Party In The Locker Room Is
Second To None, Because You're Invincible Once You Step On The Ice,
Because One Shot Can Make You Smile All Night. Sniping The Twine, Backy Shelf, Bar And In,
The Rattling Of The Boards, The Feel Of The Puck, And Skates Carving Into The Ice Is A Rhythm To Live
By, Because It's Possible To Skate Fast Enough To Leave All Your Worries Behind.
Sweat Is The Cologne Of Our Accomplishment. Why? Why Would Someone Push Themselves
So Hard The Uneducated Pussies Always Ask?

House League, A, AA, AAA, Jr. B, Jr. A, CHL, US College, Pro....
It's Never Been For The Fucking Money. It's Not For The Girls, And It's Not For The Fame.
"The Boys" Play Because We Fucking Love It!!



This describes my attitude towards hockey perfectly. love it.

Hey diddle diddle,
the cat and the fiddle
the cow jumped over the moon!

the little dog laughed
to see such a sport,
and the dish ran away with the spoon!

he ran from conviction,
and fed his addiction,
as the dish heated the spoon.

the soon begged to go,
but the dish shouted 'NO!!'

'The heroine will be ready soon'

Wasteland

I'm alone in this wasteland a thousand miles from you, but haven't forgotten the feel of your skin, your mischievous smile.. You'd think a thousand miles would be enough. I guess I'll keep walking..

Love

I've never loved anyone as much as I do samantha. It's not something I really expected. I didn't expect us to last this long at all. But.. as fate had it I fell in love. I fell head over heels in love. I don't ever stop thinking about her. I'm never happier than when I see her or talk to her. Never. I wish I could see her now.

they say ignorance is bliss, but I think they are lying. Knowing is much better than not. She said she doesn't love me anymore, when she thinks about it. I don't know what that means. She couldn't explain it. I felt my guts wrench, and I almost puked. It was so hard listening to her. It almost sounded like it didn't even matter... like it was casual.

I don't know what I would do without her. I can't sleep.. I'm not even remotely tired now. I can't stop thinking that being with her is still my best option. Even if she doesn't love me. I can deal with that. She says everything is perfect and amazing when she see's me... is that enough to stay in a relationship with someone for?

She is my world. If she leaves me I don't know what I would do. I'll never be the same. I couldn't be. She's the one for me, and I think losing her might push me over the edge. I'd give her the world. I'd sacrifice the world for her. I would do anything to be with her... I still think she is the most amazing person. Does she think the same about me? Can she?

The only reason I'm writing this is to collect my thoughts... I'm so lost. She said she will talk to me tomorrow. I want to.. so bad. I wonder if it will be awkward. I wonder if the conversation will continue. I won't have anything to do... all day.

Am I going to have my heart broken tomorrow? What about the next day? I just can't help but think about the giant hole I will have to fill if she leaves... does she even realize what she is doing to me? I know she cares. It's in her nature. She doesn't know how to show it...

I think she still loves me. I hope she does. I've gone through phases like that. If I think about it.. I don't really love anyone. But then I remember what love is, it's just a state of mind. A personal opinion towards someone. That opinion can change, I suppose. It can't get much better... but it can stay far from horrible as well.

We'll see how this all plays out. Maybe there will still be something there even if it all goes south... I really hope it doesn't. In fact, if it doesn't I will probably be the happiest man alive. Like I said.. I don't know what I would do without her. Especially not now.. now after losing everyone close to me. I just don't know if I would be able to deal with it... I don't know if I could actually find the willpower to go on.

Parapsychology of Mammarys

Can nipples be psychic? A recent study says yes! A recent study conducted by me. I was talking to my girlfriend, and she said she had to go to bed. So I decided to pull out the nipples to figure out whether she was really going to bed or not. I pulled it out, gave it a squeeze, and a small breath so it became hard. I waved it around.... and it came back with her thoughts! Garbled, of course.

My nipples told me that she was thinking 'bongongwankluk', which roughly translates to 'Bong Gong wank kluk'. The experts are 60% sure that 100% of evidence this inconclusively points in the general direction of the suggestion that she might not actually go to bed.

Another study will be conducted within the next few days... can female nipples lead to a breakthrough in translating what the male nipple receives? Tune in later, after I find some nipples!

10 hilarious questions

10 Hilarious questions (not ordered)

1. Who the hell took my fucking nacho's?
2. Can you go up there and tell them, 'Frank want's his fucking hotwings!' please?
3. What, how the hell did that get in your ass?
4. What, how the hell did that get out of your ass?
5. Stoned: 'Wait... What?'
6. ...Is that all of it?
7. Is it in?
8. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY MOTHER FUCKING NACHO'S?!
9. Does anybody else tingle when they pee?
10. Aren't Rhino's mythical?

Another one? What?

A poem that rhymes..


Seeing things,
that cannot be,
a sure warning sign
of insanity.

A look in the mirror,
a sight of horrors,
unimaginable,
sinking despite the moores.

Can't stop now, it's almost finished,
they're taking me away, too soon.
My body is being numbed,
Out cold; before noon.

Brutally awakened by cold,
the dampness of a windowless room,
But not alone...
Sanity is the mark of loneliness.

Para-who-ah?

Don't ask me why,
I was born this way.
Don't bother with your condolences.
A loss is a loss.
No matter what you do, or say,
it's not going to change anything.
Not going to make me feel any better.
I could pretend for your own sake and satisfaction.
But that would be a twisting of the truth,
a dilution of the absolute.
A loss is a loss,
and no reason to give up.
but it leaves us with no reason to go on.
Paradoxical?
Crying get's me no where.
Mourning helps.
But it's myself that can help myself.
Floating in a reservoir of misery,
I can fumble until I find the drain,
the tap,
the spout.
Funny how 3 different words can put three different types of moods in your head so easily...
Funny, or confusing?
Confusing.
Much like trying to find the damn plug.
Did I mention that it's dark and slimy?
With little sharks swimming around nipping on exposed skin.
Fucking reservoir.

Fucking dirty sheep.

Things change all the time, and it takes a keen observer to piece together all of the things that do, or to see how one change is going to affect another. Most of the time people don't see it, but any argument started is usually started from a ripple effect. One thing changes to upset one person, this upset person changes another thing in order to compensate, which may upset more people. Those upset people go and upset other people, all the while the first person is still fuming about the first change. Now, an acquaintance decides to bug this still fuming person and he goes off on said acquaintance.

The same can be said about any argument as well. Something is said (perhaps unintentionally) to upset one person, so that person (for some reason) decides it's okay to insult back. Now, both parties are completely wrong in doing so, and there is no excuse for it.

So, I ask you: Why is it so hard to admit when you are wrong? People stay mad at eachother for so long, till they realize what they were arguing about or till they forget. The social ladder and hierarchy is the most disgusting, pitifully twisted thing imaginable. But imagine how eventful life would be if everything were perfect. The number one threat to America (bears) would have killed us all long ago if things were perfect.

Thank god for stubborn stupidity, and the lack of common sense. Thank god for those who seek power aggressively. Thank the Lord Almighty for allowing so many people to be sheep to follow and do whatever they have been brainwashed to believe in, because if people weren't sheep.. God wouldn't exist. Paradoxical, I know. Somewhat of a shitty point of view, but alot of people don't realize blind stupid aggression is what keeps the world turning.

Fuel, the oil companies aggressively fight with each other, with the environment and whoever get's in there way. Blind stupidity of the public makes them hate the oil companies for doing so, yet everyone continues to buy gas from them. And when they stop, and the prices rise, it's obviously their fault. Not the publics. Not the sheep that drive them onwards. If people weren't stupid with money, they could afford everything in the efficient ways possible.

But, as ever, the retardation and perversion of media sources brainwashes the gullible sheep. But soon enough, we'll all be lemmings and jump off a large metaphorical cliff to our deaths.

Abyss

The dark one's hand struck out,
to take another mortal from this plain.
Leaving everything behind;
to wander down the dark passages,
into the fiery hell of forever night.

'Set loose mine chains, evil ones!'
The sound is screaming;
torturous.
Others who had been trapped,
who are afflicted by disease and sores.

A fiery hell indeed,
burning and twisting;
pulsing and moving;
untraceable by pen,
matter not where sight lands.

Creatures crawling.
Limping and stalking,
feeding from the sorrow of lost conciousness,
and eternal pain and damnation.

Hope is lost,
immediately sucked from you by loneliness of the place.
It is not missed...
it had never been felt.

Never will the light of day shine again.

Music

I listened to some old songs a little while ago. They were alot better composed than music is now. As music progressed into what is now considered modern, it lost a lot of it's charm. The sounds now are generic: Opening riff(or whatever opens the song) first verses--> chorus ---> second verse--> chorus ---> possible break or riff--> chorus.

There's no diversity anymore. It's all the same sound (excepting a couple bands of course) with very little variation. Every once in a bands will come out with a song or two with a unique sound, and then all of a sudden everyone else has the same sound because people are fucking sheep. I'm pretty sick of it to be honest. I can't listen to music now without thinking, 'Jesus, I just listened to this exact tune 5 songs in a row.'

I think it's time for the big boy recording companies to let some different sounds be sponsered and recorded.

Just my two cents about that.

And fuck everyone for being stuck up asshole lately. I'm sick of being fucked around.

A while

been what, a month and a half now? Oh well. That's not important. What's important is the writing. Life's been good, won league championships, everything is good with my favorite girl.

I'm going for my learners tomorrow, we'll see how that goes. I really hope I get it this time. If not, I'm gonna go for it as many times as it takes till I get it. I had a thought the other day, what if they set up some sort of program where you can get your graduated drivers license if you took a course of sorts.This would include the learners test if you don't have it, or even if you do. But have instructors teach you how to drive rather than just judge. I realize they have programs where instructors teach you, but they don't have any benefits besides lower insurance rates. Shouldn't you at least be able to get your learners through a program like that? I don't know, but it seems to me like it would be better getting it through first hand experience rather than reading a book and taking a paper test.


And also, I think I am quitting drugs after this weekend. I'll still drink, but I think weed is not doing anything for me anymore. When I toke with friends lately.. it just seems I get hungry and pass out. At parties it seems like I'm anti-social cuz I'm always off from the main party tokin up. It's not all bad though... and it is going to be tough to quit. I think I have the will power to do it. If I do this, then I think it will benefit my grade 12 year, and probably the rest of this year too.

I don't really have alot to rant about this time around, though the next time I'm angry about something worth ranting about I'm going to write it on here. Why not, Eh?

Stay Classy out there. 8D

Playing poker during math class

I'm sitting here at the teachers desk, playing poker. There is nothing better than this.

Let's go back
Follow the yellow brick road as we go on another episode
Journey with me as I take you through this nifty little place
I once used to call home sweet home.

Bam, Blamitty blam bam! No one knows what goes on in this noggin. Bitches ain't got shit on me!

Peace, holmez.

Cloak whipping in the wind behind him, Innail ran as fast as he could down the narrow, rocky crevice. Here and there and arrow whipped past him sinking into the mud or bouncing harmlessly off of a rock.

"Only a little farther, my companion!" He shouted to the sorcerer, who was only paces behind him.

"Until what?! We get to run in the trees? Those mastiffs will hunt us down faster in there than the horses or men can run in this crevice."

That's when the crevice ended.

A two hundred yard dash all the way to the tree's was all that was left. But what Innail saw caused him to stop dead in his tracks. Thousands of warriors adorned in black chain-male or black leather. Sitting in the middle of this sat one man in white.

Easy to pick out in the crowd already, he also sat upon one of the flying beasts that had been harassing them for the last three miles. This one was different; it was slightly larger and deep blood red scales encompassed it's mass, as an impenetrable shield.

"Intimidating." That was all he heard from the sorcerer who stood next to him. It was at that moment he realized that he could hear footsteps coming from behind them, and the arrows had stopped.

Squinting to take a closer look at the man in the white robes, he saw long flowing silver hair touched with one streak of deep rich brown on the bangs.

Then he saw the man's face.

"Jaeril! That's Jaeril! We marched together to the Battle of Vindi, fought side by side the entire time. Tough character... though a large surprise to see him leading such a large army."

"Well, it seems we will see what his intentions are in a few moments," The red creature stirred it's wings and lifted off, to power towards them. "Stay wary, always remember people can change very quickly once they have tasted power. He may not be the same man you remember."

With a giant thud it plopped down ten paces in front of them, it's neck stretched out. It looked Innail directly in the eye...

"And then there shall be light!"

Light poured down onto the great plains, exposing vibrant hues of color. Innail could see for miles around, perched atop the hill some called Desolate Peak. Dry light brown and infertile soil covered the majority of the top. Being the only infertile land for hundreds of miles around and also the only large hill, it's name seemed quite fitting.

In the distance he could hear the thundering of thousands of hooves. An approaching army perhaps, but more likely just a roaming herd of horses. He looked over to the robed figure beside him, and whistled softly.

"Never seen anyone do that before."

Just moments before the skies had been overcast and rain seemed imminent. Apparently the sorcerer didn't have the patience for such things anymore.

The figure drawled as if he had just learned to speak the common language, "If you lived in the borderlands you would see it more often than not. Clouds cause shadows, and shadows conceal dark, dark beings."

Innail just nodded and looked ahead, far harder than needed, eyes open for threats.

"There's no need for that you know. It's not like anyone could sneak up on us while we travel these dreadfully dull lands."

Just then there was a foul screeching noise, and a winged creature wheeled overhead. It was black, with batlike wings and blood red eyes that seemed to be aglow. It screeched once more and returned back over the crest of the hill.

"Well... I was proven quite wrong, wasn't I?"

~~~~~~

Will continue another time. This is actually kind of interesting, I hope to write more about it. ^^

Fuck you.

That's right. I said it. Fuck you. I hate all of you. I'm up at 6 am, and it's your fucking fault. Not that you would even care if you smart enough realize.

You know what sucks balls? When you can't stand your own family. And I don't mean temporarily. I hate my dad, for always yelling when it's not needed. For over exaggerating everything, for constantly making me lower my own eyes because I'm not good enough for him. I hate my mom for being an alcoholic, and then blaming all of lifes problems on my dad. I envy my brother, he got away from this shit. I don't blame him for never wanting to talk to us.

You know what else annoys the fuck out of me? When people don't seem to realize they're being stuck up. Or when they don't realize they're completely ignoring someone. I was suppose to hang out with a special someone yesterday. Well, 2 days ago now. Ended up getting ignored the entire day. Was suppose to hang out with her yesterday. Didn't even show up till a half hour before I had to go get ready for hockey, and by that time had said a total of zero words to me. She walked in the door, and sat on the couch with her best friend. She does it all too often. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth confronting her about, because it's not going to change anything.

I can't help but think vindictively. I just want to do the same to her. But I can't even get that chance.


Ah,the 31st today. 3 months exactly, I wonder if she says anything. I remember, does she even care?

Anyways, enough of this bullshit. I'm pissed off at more than that. I'm pissed off because exam week went by, and I fucked those up royally. Possibly my entire future in the process. In hockey I try as hard as I can, and it's still not enough to even get a comment like 'good job'. I'm fucking sick of it. I just want to choke myself in the almighty mary jane, and drown myself in my best friend jack daniels.

some people say all it takes is a cry out for help. I've tried that. no one gives a fuck anymore. no one should.

Please, do.

I'm spinning a web,
soft as the finest silks,
inescapable once trapped;
and you won't even realize it.

Entangled in this web,
you will never wish to leave;
so full of wonder,
for there is no better place to be.

Amazing

2 months and 20 days. All that time and not one single problem. My feelings for her have grown 10 fold. Every time I see her I want to grab her hand and not let go. When she talks I can't help but listen, attentively looking her in the eyes. Not only because I want to hear everything she has to say, but because I can't help but get lost as I'm staring. When I'm with her I feel utterly fulfilled, as if everything in life has lead me to that point in time. And when we say good-bye I have this feeling, not emptyness. Hopeful, I look forward to the next time we can meet, instead of sorrow over what I'm leaving behind.

A Goodnight kiss, and a hug filled with more warmth that the sun.

~till the next time...

The Weirdest Dream

Alright, So I was having my monthly 15 hour sleep on a monday night, which usually bodes well for having incredible dreams. As per usual, I was not dissapointed. It started out with me in a medieval setting among others of the same. We were traveling, looking for some sort of witch-king necromancer type dude.

When we found him, I don't know why but somehow we ended up with 2 women and 2 men who could use the 'One power' (from Robert Jordans Wheel of Time), and when we camped out the night before we attacked the witch-king they all went insane and started hitting eachother with lightning and fireballs and shit. It was insano crazy, then the witch-kings minions started attacking us! So I thinking pretty much 'fuck this shit, I'm outta here,' So I pretty much ran fighting my way through everyone. I got outside these walls that I found and they were all shouting at me and shit, and I was ontop of this huge hill all noble like when they started hurling lightning bolts at me!

So after that I'm not quite sure what happened, but I think while I was running away I met up with someone, and we hid out at a lake. At this point the medieval theme seems to go away. I don't know how or why but we are still being chased by these minions so we jump in this car and cruise down the highway, dodging traffic. Then, I see Samantha on the side of the road walking, so I goes to pick her up I does! And when I did she had her friend with her, not sure who but she had a quad and went on about how she and her friends get their men to do anything they want.

Then BAM, outta no where this gang of quads comes up with all her friends and there's an extra quad for me and Sam. So I take it, of course, but I can't drive it so I gave it to Sam! So we're driving along, and it turns into a race with her friends, at this point I somehow gained the quad again and we were racing through bush and swamps in the mountains. All of a sudden there's a cliff off ahead and the other quads swerve outta the way, but I'm stuck in a rut and I plunge over the edge, signaling the end of my dream.

Crazy, crazy shit.

Blogging blog!

So, welcome to my blog. I'll be blogging quite frequently, most likely. I have alot of things to rant about. Most of these things probably won't make much sense, I'm quite a stubborn bastard and with no right to be one! I suppose that makes it a more interesting and controversial read. As well, I like to muse myself talking about things I don't understand, much like my first blog.

Now then, I just found a quote that struck me as completely true:
"While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior."

I like this particular quote because it is true, the more mistakes you make the more experience you have. The more experience you have... the better you are for it. I see people who hesitate to make mistakes of their own all the time, and I can't help but shake my head and volunteer. I don't understand what people think they have to lose.

I believe a deeper understanding is required, perhaps I should look into it sometime.